Adventures In Blindness, Episode #586

[mmerriam]

To the outside world, I don't always "present" as blind. For instance, when I'm visiting the homes of my friends, I rarely use my cane to navigate, at least after the first couple of visits. Once I've spent some time at their homes, I usually have it memorized and can move about without too much difficulty. I just need to be alert for small moving objects such as children and pets as I walk slowly and carefully.

In public it is another matter. I need to be highly aware of my surroundings, keep my senses alert, and use the cane. Maintaining any semblance of independence depends on my using my training constantly. If I want any freedom in my life, at least when dealing with the outside world, I have to work at it.

Sometimes it's not enough.

Last week I was in the grocery store in downtown Hopkins. I kept veering off into things and one point there was a small collision with an end-cap that resulted in it tipping precariously. Fortunately, nothing was knocked over and nothing was broken. The end result was me standing there, frozen in place.

I could have asked for help. The store is required to provide me with assistance if I need it, but I hate asking. I admit that I'm one of those people who, if you found me at the bottom of a well, my arm caught in a bear-trap, sinking in quicksand, I'd tell you I'm fine. I hate asking for help.

Instead, the floor manager came over and asked if I needed any help. There was nothing for it: I did, and that was that. I ended up with a nice young lady--who turned out to be the manager's daughter--helping me find my groceries. She was good about it, friendly and funny, and helped me find everything I needed. She even helped me find a couple of things I wanted and didn't know they had, like hushpuppy mix.

On the one hand, it was nice to have the help, to have someone go around with me and find the items I needed and to, well, make sure I didn't wreck the store. There was, truthfully, a bit of relief involved.

On the other hand, it was another piece of lost independence. It was another thing I have to let go. It was another adjustment, one I'm not sure how I feel about.

In Peace,
Michael

Comments

[careswen.livejournal.com]

It takes great courage to admit one needs help, and I'm proud of you.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I will admit it wasn't one of the most fun things I've ever had to do.

Empowerment

[careswen.livejournal.com]

I know. Just try to remember that accepting help gave you more power, not less.

[j-cheney.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about you the other day, as my RP story was moderately well received at the Baen's Bar. I did have one other question for you, though. (Which you don't have to answer, as it is a bit personal.)

I was wondering if you went to the gym, would you use a treadmill? This is really tricky to do with one's eyes closed, I know from personal experience. You have to keep a hand on the bar at all times. But I wondered if it was something you would do...

I'm sorry that you're feeling limited. We're all going to experience that more and more (in differing ways) as we age--and it isn't very nice to realize that some things don't seem likely to improve.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

I do use a treadmill, as a matter of fact. I have one at home. I just need to keep one hand lightly on the bar. My bigger problem is that I'm tall and have a long stride, so sometimes I overstep the belt and hit the machines casing at the front instead.

[j-cheney.livejournal.com]

Excellent! (Not about the overstepping, I mean. I'm more likely to do the opposite and go off the back. I also don't have the best straight line orientation and sometimes land a foot on the side rail instead of the tread--not harmful, but jarring.)

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a really hard moment. I can feel the distress.

K.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Sometimes making the adjustment is hard, almost too hard, but in the end I need to. This is the situation I have to live with, and it's not going to improve, not ever, but I refuse to become one of those people in the blind community who stop living and hide away.

[pjthompson]

You're getting out there and doing it. You're taking life on, and that's what counts, even if sometimes you need a little help.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Really, that's all I can do, you know? I just have to keep living my life.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing a moment that is so difficult for you. As careswen said, it is often a show of strength to ask for help (though I can fully understand, appreciate, and commiserate with *not* wanting to ask, especially when it seems to coincide with admitting a certain level of powerlessness).

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

It is just a difficult thing, giving up so much personal independence.

[mnfaure.livejournal.com]

*nods* The struggle for independence (and to arrive at a time in my life where I could be independent) has been of utmost importance to me. Losing it now that I have it is one of my greatest fears.

[purdypiedad.livejournal.com]

Wow. You really are an amazing man. I've got nothing to say that your wife didn't already say better. *hugs*

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[mikandra.livejournal.com]

This was a very emotional story, and I agree with others that knowing your own boundaries and not being too proud to ask are painful and necessary things to do. It involves a fair degree of learning and embarrassment from the person who is helping, too. After all, maybe they should have been more thoughtful in placing items in the store.

Your story reminded me of a friend of my father's. This man had cerebal palsy and had been confined to a wheelchair and special care since he was born. However, he was mentally fine. He had to continuously fight to even get his mangled speech recognised as a request for help. Most people thought he was just making 'mad' sounds. I remember being very upset at having ignored him myself as thoughtless teenager (pretty much typically the way teenagers are). So please keep asking, and make the world a better place.

On the subject of getting help, here is a quote by Jonathan Carroll I found particularly moving:

Very early in the morning a woman is standing in front of a store on the big shopping street, waiting. I know who she is and what she's waiting for but I am too far away to help. A bum slouches toward her with his head down. She goes over to him and speaks. He looks up while she asks him to help. She is very short and every day must unlock the door to her store. The problem is the door has two locks-- one at the very top, one at the bottom. She is too small to reach the one at the top and must always ask a passerby to take the key and unlock it for her. She's asked me several times and is always very pleasant about it. Moving towards them now I watch the bum turn the key up top and then hand it back to the woman. She smiles and thanks him profusely. He walks away towards me smiling and moving much differently than minutes before-- with purpose now, a man who's asked to do things, a man who deserves thanks.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

It involves a fair degree of learning and embarrassment from the person who is helping, too.

It does, and that is one thing I try to be aware of. I've seen too many other people in the Blind Community get nasty and short with people who are trying their very best to help, but don't know exactly how.

[dsgood.livejournal.com]

Everyone needs help of some kind. You may not be able to pay back the help you get, but you can pay it forward.

As I hope to do with help I've gotten recently, for a set of related problems which were preventable.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Really, that's the most realistic thing I can hope to do, to pay it forward at some point.

[wordswoman.livejournal.com]

We all need a helping hand sometimes. And let's face it, with or without blindness it'll happen more often as we age, so it's good to learn how to get past the reluctance and awkwardness now. Think of it as creating good karma opportunities for others.

You do plenty for others, in different ways. The universe knows it all balances.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Like I said upstream: This is the situation I have to live with, and it's not going to improve, not ever. All I can do is try to live my life with as much dignity and grace as I can manage. Too often people in my situation either seclude themselves away from the world, or if they stay engaged, they turn nasty and bitter. I refuse to do either of those things.

[boy-pastiche.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain about needing help.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

It's just really hard to ask sometimes.

[boy-pastiche.livejournal.com]

*nods*

[allochthon.livejournal.com]

*sits at the bottom of the well with you*

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

It's a hard thing, asking for help.

Why can't people just read minds??

[vinniev.livejournal.com]

Don't you just hate having to ask for help??? I hate asking for help myself and would very much rather the world would just realize that I'm the center of the universe and stay attuned to what my needs may be at all possible moments... too bad we can't make that happen. I guess if we must, we can be mature about it and simply ask... [huff, puff and pout while kick my legs]whatever!

Seriously, I can only imagine how hard it must be to feel yourself becoming more and more vulnerable. I know how I am (other than pretty, of course) and I can only guess what it would feel like if one day I find myself in a position where I'd need to depend on others. There's no way around it... it just plain sucks! However, you are a beautiful man who can become aware of your own strength and gather that energy to do what you must to ensure you have a most enjoyable life, even with the lemons and all... Much love - MOI

Re: Why can't people just read minds??

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

Much love back! It is a difficult trade-off. I can move through life easier if I ask for help and assistance, but I have to give up a measure of my personal independence and freedom. It does suck, but as I said to someone else, all I can do is live my life with what grace and dignity I can muster.

[tiny-wings.livejournal.com]

I like reading posts like this, it shows how much progress you're making in spite of the condition of your eyes actually deteriorating, and sometimes it gives me a whole new perspective on life.

I was thinking about the time you posted about not sitting in the priority seat on the bus, and this other disabled couple had decided the same; a couple years back this guy walking with canes got on the bus and decided to sit at the back, and I thought that was dumb at the time, but not anymore... Anyway I hope you manage to enlighten new people sometimes too, I just think everything would be so much easier for everyone if we were all aware and understanding of everyone else's differences.

[mmerriam.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons I make these post (besides needing to talk about whatever incident I've experienced) is to help people understand what is going on in the heads of some of us "chipped" folks as we try to move through life.

Also, I hope that these posts help people who have little or no experience dealing with the disable to understand and to put a human face on the disability.